Inept

Inept: Without skill or aptitude for a particular task or assignment (Dictionary.com)

I have been a mental health and substance abuse counselor for six years now.  I enjoy what I do because it is one career where you can directly see change in the life of another person.  My training, along with my compassion and spiritual gifts, helps me to connect with people on a deep level so that I am able to discuss topics with them that they have never shared with others.  There have been many occasions when I finished talking with a client that I felt that I brought clarity to their life and I promoted positive change.  Those are the days that I really enjoy and look forward to, however this is not always the case.

Today was one of those days where I wished that I did not even get up and talk to my clients. Obviously, due to the confidentiality I hold to my clients, I cannot be specific about the situations that I encounter, but they affect me nonetheless.  One situation I faced today made me literally want to cry.  As I sat there and listened to some secrets that one of my clients held it physically hurt me to listen.  I did not know what to say.  I wondered why do people suffer and go through horrible situations such as these.  I felt absolutely useless as their helper.  There were no scripts prepared for this situation.  It was not something that I was taught how to handle and yet I sat there feeling utterly inept.  I know that it is not my job to fix people but who in the world can help them. Medication is not always the answer.  Therapy does not always fix it either.  I know this is a situation that only God can bring healing to.

So what do I do with these feelings of inadequacy?  I know they will fade as they always do, but this is where I am right now.  I pray for peace from God because He is the only one who can make sense of this fallen world and all of its casualties.

Recovering from an Affair (Part Two)

Recovery Strategies

Even though infidelity has a devastating impact on marriages, many do survive. Let’s look at what it takes for a relationship to recover.

If You Were Unfaithful

If you had the affair and want to save your marriage:

1. Stop the affair and tell the truth about it.
2. Make the choice to practice fidelity.
3. Understand your partner’s need to ask questions and understand what happened.
4. Spend plenty of time with your family.
5. Find a therapist and explore what has happened in your marriage.
6. Expect to reassure your partner of your commitment to the marriage.
7. Listen carefully to your partner and accept his or her feelings and thoughts.
8. Admit that you were wrong. Admit everything and let it all out.
9. Make amends. Identify what it would take for you to obtain forgiveness. Then, do it.

If Your Partner Was Unfaithful

If your partner had the affair and you want to save your marriage:

1. Acknowledge your anger and express it productively.
2. Be aware of distorted thoughts that may fuel your anger.
3. Watch out for negative beliefs that may make it harder for you to heal your relationship.
4. Find a way to explore and express your feelings, such as writing in a journal or working with a professional therapist.
5. Explore the advantages and disadvantages of saving your marriage.
6. Establish a safe environment where you can learn about what happened.
7. When you are ready, create a ritual for letting go of the anger and forgiving.

Prevention Steps

Finally, what are some things you can do to protect your marriage and keep it from becoming an infidelity statistic?
1. Pay attention to your partner. Be aware of his or her needs and do your best to meet them.
2. Think about how you behaved when you were trying to win your partner over. Do the same things now.
3. Make time for each other.
4. Look for opportunities to talk and listen.
5. Be thoughtful and romantic. Send cards, flowers, gifts.
6. Avoid high-risk situations. Discuss these with your partner and ask him or her to do the same.
7. Be polite to your partner.
8. Say nice things about your partner, in public and in private.
9. Spend regular private time together.
10.Greet your partner when he or she comes home.
11. Show that you are glad to see your partner. Be energized and pleasant.
12. Recommit to your values. Make the decision to live in keeping with what you believe is right.
13. Accept that you are responsible for your own well-being.
14. Be proactive about nurturing your marriage. This relationship is your most important investment; give it the time and attention it deserves.
15. Look for ways to express appreciation and respect.
16. Think of ways to enhance your partner’s self-esteem.

An affair can happen to anyone, but it is possible to recover if both partners are willing to commit to the process. I hope that these suggestions will lead your marriage to peace if an affair has occurred. God blessings be with you all.

Recovering from an Affair (Part One)

Infidelity is more common than most people realize. In fact, it is estimated that 60% of men and 40% of women today will have an extramarital affair during their marriage. People who are Christians are just as likely to have an affair as non Christians. In this blog, I will explore the forces that lead to infidelity and what must happen for couples to heal.

Forms of Infidelity

Infidelity takes many forms. Some people have sequential affairs—a series of one-night stands or short affairs. These affairs involve very little emotional investment and may be rationalized as harmless. There is always the danger of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. When such behavior continues for several years and finally is discovered, it is difficult to heal the years of deceit.
Other affairs are discrete events. These also involve minimal emotional investment.
Sometimes affairs last longer and become more serious. These affairs may be quite romantic and sexual. Sometimes they grow into more serious relationships and may last for years.

Why Affairs Happen

Infidelity happens for many reasons. Here are a few of the common explanations (I do not necessarily agree with these reasons, but have heard them before):

1. An affair may be a response to a crisis such as the death of someone important, moving to a new city, a job change, or some other kind of life transition.
2. Sometimes people become bored with their partners and seek sexual or emotional excitement with someone new. The new person seems to supply the excitement that has been missing.
3. Stressful times in the family life cycle lead some to seek escape in an affair. This includes things like taking care of aging parents, raising teenagers, and becoming new parents.
4. People sometimes look for outside relationships because their expectations of marriage have not been satisfied.
5. Some people seek outside relationships when their partners are emotionally unavailable because of illness.
6. Other people begin affairs because they seek more affection than their partner can provide.
7. Other people seek professional or social advancement.

There are also many social reasons why affairs happen: factors that exist in our society that lead many of us to expect a fantasy version of marriage that could never really exist. When marriage doesn’t live up to this expectation, some keep looking for it outside of marriage.

Common Reactions to Infidelity

People who are involved in relationships in which their partner has been unfaithful say they have a wide range of reactions. These are a few of the common ones:
1. A physical reaction, such as feeling like you have been punched in the stomach.
2. Denying that anything is wrong.
3. Blaming yourself (I didn’t pay enough attention to her; I wasn’t sexy enough for him; I let myself get too fat, etc.).
4. Blaming your partner (I can’t believe anything she says)
5. Blaming the relationship (We were too young; We were wrong for each other; We had different values, etc.).
6. Blaming the lover (It’s all his fault; If it weren’t for him); transferring anger from one’s spouse to one’s lover.

Other Consequences of Infidelity

In addition to the emotional impact of infidelity, there may also be other consequences: sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, problems at work, and loss of relationships.

In my next blog I will discuss recovery strategies and steps to prevent an affair in your marriage.

Dealing with Anxiety (Part 2)

In my last post I discussed the different types of anxiety disorders and common panic symptoms. Today I would like to cover some treatment options for people who deal with anxiety.

Treatment Options

Most people who suffer from anxiety disorders begin to feel better when they receive the proper treatment. It can be difficult to identify the correct treatment, however, because each person’s anxiety is caused by a unique set of factors. It can be frustrating for the client when treatment is not immediately successful or takes longer than hoped for. Some clients feel better after a few weeks or months of treatment, while others may need a year or more. If a person has an anxiety disorder in combination with another disorder (such as alcoholism and depression), treatment is more complicated and takes longer.

While a treatment plan must be specifically designed for each individual, there are a number of standard approaches. Mental health professionals who specialize in treating anxiety most often use a combination of the following treatments. There is no single correct approach.

Cognitive Therapy

The client learns how to identify and change unproductive thought patterns by observing his or her feelings and learning to separate realistic from unrealistic thoughts.

Behavior Therapy

This treatment helps the client alter and control unwanted behavior. Systematic desensitization, a type of behavior therapy, is often used to help people with phobias and OCD. The client is exposed to anxiety-producing stimuli one small step at a time, gradually increasing his or her tolerance to situations that have produced disabling anxiety.

Relaxation Training

Many people with anxiety disorders benefit from self-hypnosis, guided visualization, and biofeedback. Relaxation training is often part of psychotherapy.

Medication

Antidepressant and antianxiety medications can help restore chemical imbalances that cause symptoms of anxiety. This is an effective treatment for many people, especially in combination with psychotherapy.
The treatment for an anxiety disorder depends on the severity and length of the problem. The client’s willingness to actively participate in treatment is also an important factor. When a person with panic is motivated to try new behaviors and practice new skills and techniques, he or she can learn to change the way the brain responds to familiar thoughts and feelings that have previously caused anxiety.

I hope these posts have given a little insight on anxiety and provided some information that will help your life to become healthier.

Dealing with Anxiety (Part 1)

It has been some time since I have done a mental health related blog so I felt it was time to revisit this area. I am beginning a two part series that will discuss anxiety disorders and the treatment of them.

Every human feels anxiety on occasion; it is a part of life. All of us know what it is like to feel worry, nervousness, fear, and concern. We feel nervous when we have to give a speech, go for a job interview, or walk into our boss’s office for the annual performance appraisal. We know it’s normal to feel a surge of fear when we unexpectedly see a photo of a snake or look down from the top of a tall building. Most of us manage these kinds of anxious feelings fairly well and are able to carry on with our lives without much difficulty. These feelings don’t disrupt our lives.
But millions of people (an estimated 15% of the population) suffer from devastating and constant anxiety that severely affects their lives, sometimes resulting in living in highly restricted ways. These people experience panic attacks, phobias, extreme shyness, obsessive thoughts, and compulsive behaviors. The feeling of anxiety is a constant and dominating force that disrupts their lives. Some become prisoners in their own homes, unable to leave to work, drive, or visit the grocery store. For these people, anxiety is much more than just an occasional wave of apprehension.

Types of Anxiety Disorders

An anxiety disorder affects a person’s behavior, thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. The most common anxiety disorders include the following:
Social anxiety or social phobia is a fear of being around other people. People who suffer from this disorder always feel self-conscious around others. They have the feeling that everyone is watching them and staring at them, being critical in some way. Because the anxiety is so painful, they learn to stay away from social situations and avoid other people. Some eventually need to be alone at all times, in a room with the door closed. The feeling is pervasive and constant and even happens with people they know.

People who have social anxiety know that their thoughts and fears are not rational. They are aware that others are not actually judging or evaluating them at every moment. But this knowledge does not make the feelings disappear.

Panic disorder is a condition where a person has panic attacks without warning. According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, about 5% of the adult American population suffers from panic attacks. Some experts say that this number is actually higher, since many people experience panic attacks but never receive treatment.
Common symptoms of panic include:

• Racing or pounding heart
• Trembling
• Sweaty palms
• Feelings of terror
• Chest pains or heaviness in the chest
• Dizziness and lightheadedness
• Fear of dying
• Fear of going crazy
• Fear of losing control
• Feeling unable to catch one’s breath
• Tingling in the hands, feet, legs, or arms

A panic attack typically lasts several minutes and is extremely upsetting and frightening. In some cases, panic attacks last longer than a few minutes or strike several times in a short time period.

A panic attack is often followed by feelings of depression and helplessness. Most people who have experienced panic say that the greatest fear is that the panic attack will happen again.
Many times, the person who has a panic attack doesn’t know what caused it. It seems to have come “out of the blue.” At other times, people report that they were feeling extreme stress or had encountered difficult times and weren’t surprised that they had a panic attack.

Generalized anxiety disorder is quite common, affecting an estimated 3 to 4% of the population. This disorder fills a person’s life with worry, anxiety, and fear. People who have this disorder are always thinking and dwelling on the “what ifs” of every situation. It feels like there is no way out of the vicious cycle of anxiety and worry. The person often becomes depressed about life and their inability to stop worrying.

People who have generalized anxiety usually do not avoid situations, and they don’t generally have panic attacks. They can become incapacitated by an inability to shut the mind off, and are overcome with feelings of worry, dread, fatigue, and a loss of interest in life. The person usually realizes these feelings are irrational, but the feelings are also very real. The person’s mood can change from day to day, or even hour to hour. Feelings of anxiety and mood swings become a pattern that severely disrupts the quality of life.

People with generalized anxiety disorder often have physical symptoms including headaches, irritability, frustration, trembling, inability to concentrate, and sleep disturbances. They may also have symptoms of social phobia and panic disorder.

Other types of anxiety disorders include:

Phobia, fearing a specific object or situation.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), a system of ritualized behaviors or obsessions that are driven by anxious thoughts.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), severe anxiety that is triggered by memories of a past traumatic experience.
Agoraphobia, disabling fear that prevents one from leaving home or another safe place.

In the next post I will discuss treatment options for anxiety disorders.

How to Stop Procrastination

This is the second of a series of two blogs that explore the dynamics of procrastination. In a previous blog, you learned what procrastination is and why people do it. In this blog, you will learn how to change your procrastination behaviors and enable yourself to be more productive.

You will have the greatest success if you read the first blog and take some time to observe your own procrastination patterns. Once you have accomplished that, choose a few of the strategies outlined here. Keep working at it until you understand what you need to do to stop putting things off.

Set Specific Goals

The most effective goals are specific, measurable, and achievable. An example of a good goal is, “I will buy paint on Friday and paint the living room on Saturday.” This is better than saying, “I am going to get the house ready to sell.”

Set Priorities

Write down all the things that you need to do, and place them in order of importance. The most important tasks belong at the top of your list and the distractions go at the bottom. Start at the top of your list and work your way down.

Organize Your Work

Set up a system for yourself. Prepare a daily schedule and keep it within view during your working time. List the tasks for each day. Check things off as you complete them. When you are working on a project, lay out all of the needed supplies or materials before you begin.

Divide and Conquer

Sometimes a project is overwhelming if you think about all of the work that is involved. Do yourself a favor: Break the activity down into smaller steps and set progress goals for each of the steps. This is especially helpful when you are beginning a writing project, studying for a degree, or building a new set of skills.
For example, if you need to write a report, make an outline before you start writing. If you have to clean your house, make your goal to do the first two rooms by 10:00, two more by noon, and two more by 2:00. Check tasks off your outline as you complete them.

Make It a Game

Turn the temptation to avoid working into a challenge. Use your imagination. For example, if you need to study the first five chapters of your history book, pretend that you are a substitute teacher and will need to lecture on the material tomorrow. Take notes and organize the information into an outline that you could speak from. Sometimes changing the frame around a situation makes it more interesting and less of a chore.

Schedule a Small Amount of Time

Tell yourself that you will only spend ten minutes on the task right now, just to get your feet wet. Work on the task for the ten minutes and then choose whether to continue for ten more minutes. Continue doing this until you decide to stop, or when you are finished with the task. If you stop working on the task before it is finished, spend a few more minutes to plan a strategy for the next steps.

When you are tempted to substitute a fun but unimportant activity (such as reading a magazine or watching the weather channel) for an important project (such as finishing pages of your report), make the substitute activity your reward for doing the important task. Do the high-priority job first and reward yourself with the fun activity.

Ward Off Self-Defeating Thoughts

Telling yourself that you are going to do a poor job or even fail can seriously undermine your ability to function. It is important to realize that your negative statements are not facts. Keep your focus on the present moment and the positive steps you can take toward accomplishing your goals. If these thoughts are based on a need for perfection or low self-esteem, you may want to work on these issues.

Make a Commitment

Make a verbal and written commitment to completing the task or project. Write a contract and sign it. Tell someone about your plans and ask them to follow up with you.
One trainer wanted to create a how-to workbook and market it to other training professionals. After weeks of procrastination, she decided to motivate herself by creating a deadline. She wrote an ad for the workbook and placed it in the professional publication that she knew her colleagues would be reading. When her telephone began to ring with orders for the workbook, she suddenly became very focused.

Remind Yourself

Write notes to yourself and post them in conspicuous places. Leave them where you will see them—on places like the outside of your briefcase, the bathroom mirror, refrigerator, television, your front door, and the dashboard of your car. The more often you remind yourself of what you plan to accomplish, the more likely it is that you will follow through with action.

Reward Yourself

Reinforcement is a very effective way to motivate yourself. When you complete even the most minor task, be sure to acknowledge what you have done. This is especially important in the beginning when you are struggling with procrastination behaviors. After you have mastered these issues and have regained your peak productivity, don’t forget to celebrate the completion of the big projects. You worked hard for it and shouldn’t take it for granted.

Use this information to develop your personal program for accomplishing the things that are most important to you.

Life of a Procrastinator

The first in a series of two blogs.

All of us procrastinate on occasion. For some people, it’s a chronic problem; for others, it’s only a problem in certain life areas. Procrastination is always frustrating because it results in wasted time, lost opportunities, disappointing work performance, and generally feeling bad about yourself.

When you procrastinate, you allow less important tasks to take up the time and space that should be devoted to more important things. You do things like hanging out with friends when you know that an important work project is due soon, or going shopping instead of doing your homework. It can also be evident in behavior such as talking about trivial things with your partner to avoid discussing important issues in your relationship.
Most people don’t have a problem finding time for things they want to do. But once they see a task as too difficult, painful, boring, or overwhelming, the procrastination behaviors begin. You are not alone if you have ever made any of the following excuses to yourself:

1. It’s too cold to exercise outside today. I’ll wait until tomorrow when it’s warmer.
2. I’ve got too many other things to do first.
3. I’ll do a better job when I can concentrate on this project.
4. I still have lots of time to get this done.
5. They don’t pay me enough to do a more complete job. This is good enough.
6. This problem is too hard to talk about. I wouldn’t know where to start.
7. I work better under pressure.
8. It’s too noisy to work while my teenager is at home.
9. I can eat this pie tonight, because I’m starting my diet tomorrow.
10. My tooth doesn’t really hurt that much. The pain will probably go away tomorrow.

Most of the time, these excuses seem fairly innocuous. However, they’re not as innocent as they seem, because they cause us to postpone important duties and projects. Ultimately, these excuses can keep us from accomplishing important goals and make us feel bad about ourselves.

Why People Procrastinate

If you were hoping for a simple answer to this puzzle, you will be disappointed to learn that there are many reasons why people put things off. Here are a few of the most common (check those that apply to you):
 Avoiding discomfort. Wanting to avoid pain makes lots of people shift into procrastination mode. However, the longer we delay, the worse the uncomfortable problem usually becomes. The rash gets bigger, the tooth hurts more, or the brakes squeak even more loudly.
 Perfectionism. Those who believe they must produce the perfect report may obsess about uncovering every last information source and then write draft after draft. Their search for the perfect product takes up so much time that they miss their deadline.
 Laziness. Sometimes people delay tasks that involve fairly slight inconvenience or minor discomfort.
 Thinking you’re not good enough. Some people are certain that they are incompetent. They think that they will fail, and procrastinate to avoid ever putting their skills to the test.
 Self-doubt. If you second-guess yourself, you probably suffer from procrastination. You may avoid new challenges and opportunities unless you are certain that you will succeed. Perhaps you make feeble attempts to begin a project, and you tell yourself that you could do a better job if you put in more effort.
 Workaholism. At the other end of the spectrum, many people who work excessively also fall into this category. They drive themselves ruthlessly, fearing that if they stop working, they will not be able to start again. Most self-doubters are driven by the belief that they must meet strict standards in order to see themselves as successful.

Why Don’t We Just Say No?

Since procrastination produces mostly negative outcomes, why don’t we just change our behavior and eliminate these undesirable consequences? The reason for this is that procrastination reinforces itself. For some reason, it is more difficult for most humans to start change than to keep it going. We avoid getting started by cleverly diverting our attention from the things we really should be doing. We do something else instead or make up a story about how we will accomplish the task in the future—when we are inspired, or when we have completed a preliminary step, or some other trick.

Although recognizing how these diversions work won’t automatically cure your procrastination, being aware of it is a good place to start working on the problem. Once you are aware of the ways that you procrastinate, you can start to change your behavior. In my next blog, I’ll offer some tips to help you get started. Until then, begin the change process by thinking about which causes apply to you and writing down examples of these behaviors as you observe them.

A Biblical View of Suicide

We looked earlier at some myths that are often carried concerning suicide. Today I want to discuss a Biblical perspective on suicide. This is needed because there is a belief that suicide is an unforgivable sin. For the purpose of this blog I will define suicide as willingly taking your own life or allowing someone else to do it for you. I want to look at a few examples of suicide in the Bible to get a better perspective on this topic.

Abimilech (Judges 9:54)
Hurriedly he called to his armor-bearer, "Draw your sword and kill me, so that they can't say, 'A woman killed him.' " So his servant ran him through, and he died.


Abimelech was the son of Gideon who had himself proclaimed king of Israel. He besieged Thebez and was struck in the head due to a woman dropping a rock on him. He knew that he was injured severely. He commanded his armour-bearer to slay him because it was a disgrace to be killed by a woman. His armour-bearer followed the order. He chose his own method of death instead of having his legacy tarnished.

Samson (Judges 16:28-30)
Then Samson prayed to the LORD, "O Sovereign LORD, remember me. O God, please strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes." 29 Then Samson reached toward the two central pillars on which the temple stood. Bracing himself against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other, 30 Samson said, "Let me die with the Philistines!" Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived.

Samson had been dedicated to God since birth. He became a judge and lived faithfully toward God. He made a mistake by trusting Delilah and lost his power. He then became a slave. Samson prayed to God for strength to pull down the temple. This caused the death of many of the leading Philistines but it also caused his own death. He did this in revenge. He was attempting to make things right with God. It appears that his thinking was clear when he made this decision and he knew that his life would end in this action.

Judas (Matthew 27:5)
So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself.

Judas betrays Jesus for thirty pieces of silver. He appears to feel guilty about this and hangs himself in shame.

I chose these three examples specifically because each man took his own life for different reasons, but the result was still the same. Each man died through their own will and by their own choice. Since God is the giver of all life, then their actions should be questioned. Does God give us the right to end our life when we want to? Just looking at these three examples I would have to say no. I believe that since He forbids us to take another's life that He would not be pleased by us taking our own life. Although Samson prayed for the strength to get revenge it does not clearly state that he had the blessing of God to kill himself. I think the natural assumption then is that suicide is a sin. I believe the sin is in the choice to end a life that God has blessed us to have. He has given us dominion over the Earth and commanded us to be fruitful and multiply. God is in the business of bringing life, so to do the opposite would seem to go against His will.

Is this a forgivable sin?

The main reason people believe that suicide is an unforgivable sin is because you cannot repent of this sin once it is committed. The person who commits suicide in essence has died with unrepented sins. This almost seems like an "open and shut" case but the reality is that EVERYONE dies with sins that they have not been forgiven of. If I die in a car wreck and curse before I die I have unrepented sin. If I drown one day, but forget to apologize to my wife for being mean to her that morning then I die with unrepented sins. Without the grace of God in our lives we are all out of luck and have no hope. So this argument alone will not stand.

Please do not interpret this as me saying that suicide is a good thing to do. I believe it is a terrible way for someone to end their life because they always leave their family and friends behind as vicitims. If you are considering this path I urge you to talk to someone you trust about your feelings so that you can receive the proper help.

I realized a long time ago that I am not God. Due to this revelation I do not make it a practice of deciding who will and who will not make it to Heaven. It is important for all of us to understand that we do not know what is going on in someone's life or mind when they take their own life. I have no idea if the person is dealing with depression, anxiety, feels trapped, or thinks this is the only way to fix their problem. Since I do not have that information and since God does I will leave it to Him to determine where they spend their eternity. I would love to hear your comments about this.

Myths about Suicide

Suicide is one of those taboo topics that many people do not like to discuss. Death is a difficult topic to tackle, but when the person chooses to take their own life it brings up a lot of unanswered questions. I believe education in this area is the key to helping people who are having these thoughts. Let's look at some of the beliefs we have about suicide.

1) Suicide is always an impulsive act. The truth is that many people have spent days, weeks, and even months planning for their suicide. For whatever reason they want things to go a certain way when they end their life. This preparation is thoughtful and precise. It is only seen as impulsive because usually the one who commits suicide does not tell anyone that they have plans to do it.

2) Discussing suicide will cause the person to move toward doing it. Many people have already had it on their mind before it is discussed with them. Actually bringing up the topic will help them to voice their wishes and give someone else a chance to intervene.

3) A suicidal person who begins to share personal possessions is showing signs of getting better mentally. Many times the person is giving away prized possession because their mind is already made up that they are going to kill themselves. This is a sign that they do not need these possessions any more because they will not be around long.

4) People who threaten suicide don't do it. Anyone who threatens suicide needs to be taken seriously regardless if it is just for attention.

5) When a person has attempted suicide and is not successful the danger is now gone. The danger is now just beginning because many people attempt suicide multiple times before they are successful. It is has been noted that women attempt suicide three times more often than men, but men are four times more successful according to the CDC. This is usually because men take more aggressive methods.

6) People who commit suicide are insane. People who commit suicide are sick and need help. Most of them feel as if their life is out of control and that they do not have any options. They see suicide as a way of escaping their problems. This does not make them insane just lacking hope.

7) Suicide runs in families, it is an inherited tendency. There is no data that supports this view. It is possible that some families can have more suicides because the family deals with issues such as depression, anxiety, alcoholism, mental illness, etc, but this does not mean that it is biological.

Tommorrow we will look at a biblical view of suicide. Is suicide an unforgivable sin?

Dealing With Our Past

People have a difficult time letting go of the past because they are held back by unfinished business. They may regret choices they have made or feel guilty about past actions. As long as guilt and regret are not resolved, it is difficult to move forward.

The Regret Epidemic
Regret is an emotion that feels similar to depression or sadness. It also feels like guilt, but it isn’t the same thing. Sometimes a wave of regret seems to come out of nowhere. You might become aware of it when you lose something or someone, or when you meet someone from your past. It is a common feeling in our culture for several reasons.

1. We have too many choices. Since we have so many options, there are many more opportunities to regret the paths we didn’t take.
Example: When Jamie was a senior at a major university, she interviewed with over 20 companies on campus. She was offered jobs in five different cities and had a difficult time choosing. In the end, she moved to Memphis and began an executive training program in a large company. A few years later, she began to wonder whether she had made the wrong choice. She thought she might have been better off in Kansas City, which had been her second choice. The regret leaves her feeling stuck and dissatisfied.

2. Endless possibilities. Another factor causing many of us to feel regret is that in the American culture, there is a belief that life has no limits. Our culture has an insatiable appetite for new experiences, adventure, and newness. When faced with the reality that certain things will not work out or change, we find it hard to accept.
Example: Tammie has turned 40. She has never married and has no children. She has always believed that “There is always tomorrow” and “I have plenty of time to make my mark.” But now, realizing that she may never be a mother and probably won’t be the CEO of her company, she is feeling like life has passed her by.

3. No rules. Along with all of these options, our lives have become confusing because there are few guidelines for what choices we should make.
Example: Many people feel compelled to continue on the ladder of success as long as they are being rewarded for it. When work becomes demanding and is no longer fun, it is hard to turn down promotions and pay increases in favor of less demanding, more satisfying work. People feel locked in to their career tracks and don’t know how to get off the treadmill.

4. We value self-sufficiency. Our American culture has always valued independence. Somehow, we all get the message that it is better if we achieve our goals on our own, without the help of anyone else. The problem is that when we cannot accept support from others, we become isolated. Living a completely self-sufficient life violates the basic human need for affiliation.
Example: Mike’s father, Sam, is 69. He is a widower and lives alone in an apartment in New York City. Mike left New York after finishing college and now lives in Florida. Sam’s friends are gradually moving to Florida, too. Mike has urged Sam to move to a nearby condominium, and has even taken him to see a few of them. He resists, saying that he doesn’t want to be a burden.
Meanwhile, Sam is becoming increasingly isolated and depressed. He sits in his New York apartment and remembers the sunny condo he saw in Miami a few years back. He is filled with regret but won’t change his mind. He feels like he has no choice but to remain independent and self-sufficient.

5. Constant comparisons. When we compare our lives with others, it’s easy to feel regret. Most of us expect ourselves to have it all together. We learn to act as if we are in control and compare ourselves with our friends, coworkers, neighbors, and the characters on television. When we don’t look as good as they do, we feel like failures. We have a list of “shoulds” inside our heads—things we expect ourselves to be able to do.

Guilt
Guilt is usually the result of aggressive acts, wishes, and thoughts. It usually results from violating a rule—either our own or someone else’s.

What to Do about Unfinished Business
If you want to move past the things in the past that are keeping you stuck—your unfinished business—you will need to acknowledge them and tell the truth about them. You don’t necessarily have to take any action; sometimes just writing or talking about it is enough to lessen its impact. You can write about it in a private journal or talk about it with a trusted friend, spiritual leader, or counselor. Here are some places to look for your unfinished business:

1. Risks I should have taken
2. People I treated badly
3. People who treated me badly
4. Not doing something I should have done
5. Messes I need to clean up (literally and metaphorically)
6. Things I need but haven’t allowed myself to have
7. Things I want to change
8. Things I want to stop doing
9. Feelings I have not expressed
10. Secrets I don’t want to keep any longer

Making a Decision about Counseling

Most of us experience times when we need help to deal with problems and issues that cause us emotional distress. When you are having a problem or dilemma that is making you feel overwhelmed, you may benefit from the assistance of an experienced, trained professional. Professional counselors and therapists offer the caring, expert assistance that people need during stressful times.

There are many types of mental health providers to choose from. The most important thing is to select a licensed professional who has the appropriate training and qualifications to help a person with your specific issues. You should also choose someone with whom you can feel comfortable enough to speak freely and openly.

Types of Problems

People seek the assistance of a mental health professional (MHP) for many different reasons. These are some of the most common:

1. You feel unhappy most of the time.
2. You worry all the time and have difficulty making decisions.
3. You feel extremely sad and helpless.
4. You feel nervous, anxious, and worried most of the time.
5. You have panic attacks.
6. You have a hard time concentrating.
7. Your emotional state is affecting your daily life negatively.
8. You are having a hard time functioning from day to day.
9. Your behavior is harmful to yourself or to others.
10. You are feeling impatient and angry with someone you are taking care of.

The list can go on, but is it important to find someone who is properly trained to help you with your specific needs.

Types of Mental Health Professionals

The most common MHPs in the United States are Psychologists, Marriage and Family Therapists, Social Workers, and Professional Counselors. Each state has its own licensing laws and standards that govern each type of professional. While all licensed MHPs can help most people with problems of living, each group has its own special training in specific areas that makes them more qualified for certain types of issues. In addition, each individual therapist has a unique set of experiences that makes him or her uniquely qualified to work with certain kinds of issues.

Psychologists generally have a Ph.D. or Psy.D. degree in psychology from an accredited school. They must complete a rigorous internship period and pass a state licensing exam. In addition to their undergraduate college degree, most psychologists spend five to seven years in education and training. They study scientific methods and the science of human behavior, building skills for working with people who have real life problems.

Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs) generally have a master’s degree in psychology, counseling, or a related subject from an accredited school. In most states, they must complete a supervised internship period and pass a state licensing exam. Marriage and family therapists are trained to work with people, focusing on how they relate to others. While they often work with an individual client, the focus of treatment is the set of relationships that surround the client and how those relationships impact the client. MFTs are trained in psychotherapy and family systems. They are licensed to diagnose and treat mental and emotional disorders within the context of marriage, couples, and family systems. They work in a variety of settings with individuals, couples, families, children and adolescents, providing support and a fresh viewpoint as people struggle with life’s challenges.

Social Workers have a BSW or MSW from an accredited school. They must have completed an MSW and a supervised internship before passing a state licensing exam. (Each state has its own licensing regulations.) The social work profession focuses on individual happiness and well-being in a social context. It is also concerned with the well-being of the society that surrounds the individual. Social workers are trained to pay attention to the environmental forces that may contribute to the individual’s life problems.

Licensed Professional Counselors have a master’s degree in psychology or a related subject from an accredited school. In most states, they must complete a supervised internship period and pass a state licensing exam. Professional counselors specialize in cultivating a therapeutic relationship that allows clients to explore personal matters, and observe changes in feelings, thoughts, and behaviors.

Referral to Other Health Professionals

When it is in the best interest of the client or outside the scope of the MHP’s license, therapists collaborate with and refer to other health professionals, such as physicians or psychiatrists in the case of prescribing medication.

Confidentiality

Each group of MHPs has strict ethical guidelines governing privacy and confidentiality. Clients of licensed MHPs can expect that discussions will be kept confidential, except as otherwise required or permitted by law. Examples of times when confidentiality must be broken are when child abuse has occurred or where the client threatens violence against another person.
When you are looking for a mental health professional to help you address your issues, it is very important to ask about a therapist’s qualifications to treat your specific concerns.

Visit these web sites to learn more:
www.aamft.org (National Assoc. of Marriage & Family Therapy)
www.apa.org (American Psychological Association)
www.naswdc.org (National Association of Social Work)
www.counseling.org (American Counseling Association)
www.nbcc.org (National Board for Certified Counselors)

The Problem with Pastoral Counseling

God has blessed me with the ability and opportunity to attend school for the purpose of being a professional counselor. I cherish the information and skills that I possess due to my training. I have been asked on several occasions why I would get a degree in professional counseling when a preacher should be able to deal with people's problems solely through the Bible. I do agree with their point, but disagree with their line of thought.

2 Peter 1:3 states "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." To refute that the Bible has all the answers for our life in Christ would be a pointless argument. I have full confidence in God's Word. I would never teach anyone to listen to any other authority except for the scriptures. My problem lies with the minister. There are too many ministers who are counseling people through the use of God's Word, but are not trained appropriately to deal with serious mental health issues. I have heard of people dealing with depression, anxiety, or some other psychological disorder and the minister decides that they do not have enough faith. In this example faith has nothing to do with it, but the right type of counseling does.

I firmly believe that we should use the Bible to deal with spiritual problems. My fear is that there are ministers and church members who are operating outside of their area of expertise and causing more problems for the people they seek to help. The church and the mental health community need each other desperately. There is a need for the meeting of the minds where each entity learns to respect what each group brings to the table so that people can get the best help that is out there. I am looking forward to the day when we strengthen our efforts in this area because the church will benefit in beautiful ways that will keep us healthy and better able to serve God.

The Simple Life

Life is way too busy! Most people say they want to simplify their lives because they feel like they have lost control of their time. They want to have more time to do the things they want to do, both at work and at home. Every few weeks, there is another newspaper or magazine story about how people feel that they aren’t spending their time on things they enjoy. A recent poll, for example, found that 65% of people are spending their free time doing things they’d rather not do. Isn’t that crazy? It’s great if you have created a full and interesting life for yourself, but how frustrating if you don’t have the time to enjoy it!

The 80/20 Principle
The 80/20 Principle, first stated by Vilfredo Pareto in 1897, says that 20% of our effort produces 80% of the results. This means that a small number of resources are highly productive—and a large number (80%) are not very productive at all. Here are a few examples:
• 20% of the things in your house are used 80% of the time.
• 80% of the things in your house are used 20% of the time.
• 20% of your activities give you 80% of your satisfaction.

The challenge is to identify those few vital items that produce the greatest value for you. Focus on the activities that result in satisfaction, such as your spiritual life, relationships, better health, or more free time. At the same time, identify those many trivial items that don’t lead to things like satisfaction, stronger spiritual life, better health, or more free time. These unprofitable activities are taking up 80% of your time. Doesn’t it make sense to deemphasize them in favor of the vital 20%?

Making Time Takes Time
The first challenge to simplifying your life is that it takes an investment of time. If you want to discover how to make time for the things you enjoy, you have to examine how you are spending your time now. If you keep living your life the same way you always have, it will stay complicated.

For some, the excuse, “I can’t slow down because everything is important,” is a way to avoid seeing what they don’t want to see: a relationship that is no longer fulfilling, a job that no longer satisfies, an emotional distance that has emerged between them and their family members. Some people keep their lives going at a furious pace to avoid seeing what they don’t want to see.
If you really do want to simplify your life, you will make the time. You don’t have to do anything radical; in fact, it is best to start small. Set aside just 30 minutes each day for a month. During that time, think about a simple question: What are the elements that contribute to my life feeling so complicated? Make a list of the factors in your private journal and write about them. Begin to think about what can be changed or eliminated.

Finding this time is not as impossible as it may seem at first. Maybe you can leave work 30 minutes early for a month and use the extra time for this exploration, possibly at home. Perhaps you can take the train instead of driving, or give up your exercise time for one month, or turn off the television during the evening news and write in your journal instead. Set aside 30 minutes a day for one month, ask yourself some important questions, and be prepared to learn some remarkable things about yourself.

Fewer Responsibilities
You may think that this sounds too simple. Most people who seek to simplify their lives think that the answer is to get more help. But this probably won’t help. In fact, if you hire someone to help you get more done, you will actually have added another complication to your life rather than making it simpler. You probably don’t need more help; you probably need fewer responsibilities.

Learn to Say No
If you want a simpler life, you must learn to say no. In Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways to Slow Down and Enjoy the Things That Really Matter, author Elaine St. James says that people get into trouble because they agree to do things they really don’t have time to do. This leads to a constant state of being overcommitted and frustrated. Our culture makes it difficult for us to say no to requests to attend extra meetings, dinner engagements, or to take on new responsibilities. Many of us feel obligated to always be participating at a high level. We are proud of our high productivity and involvement, but it comes with a high price: a complicated life that leaves to time for you. St. James suggests that you actually schedule time for yourself on your calendar at the beginning of every month; when you are invited to participate in something, turn down the request because you already have a commitment.

Clear Away Clutter
Get rid of things you don’t use. Think of all the stuff you have acquired in the past five or 10 years. Most of it is designed to make life simpler, but in fact most of it brings along its own set of complications. Think of what typically happens when you buy a new electronic gadget: Consider all of the time required to earn the money to pay for it, shop for it, buy it, set it up, learn how to use it, fix the unexpected problems it causes with another gadget, and then the time you spend actually using it. Most of us have rooms in our houses filled with stuff that seemed like a good idea at the time, but ends up sitting on a shelf or in a drawer, unused. St. James suggests that you go through your house once each year and get rid of everything you haven’t used during the previous year.

She also has an idea for not acquiring new stuff in the first place. She suggests a technique called the 30-Day List. When you start thinking that you must have a certain product, add it to your 30-Day List and wait. At the end of 30 days, ask yourself if you really still need it. Chances are, you will have lost your enthusiasm for the product and will cross it off the list.

Gaining More Self Esteem

What Is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem literally means to esteem, or respect, yourself. Having high self-esteem means that you have a positive image of yourself. Let’s look at where such a positive self-image comes from.

In her classic book Celebrate Yourself, Dorothy Corkville Briggs makes a distinction between the real you and your self-image. She says that the real you is unique and unchanging. Most of your self-image—what you think is true about yourself—is learned. It is not necessarily accurate at all!

Where are your beliefs about yourself drawn from? Where did you learn them? If you think about it, you’ll see that they came from:

• What others said about you
• What others told you
• What others did to you

Your self-image is the result of all the messages you heard about yourself as a child. These messages added up to a set of beliefs about who you are. It may have nothing to do with who you really are.

For example, you may believe things like:

• I’m not very smart.
• I’m not very attractive
• I’m too old to start over.
• No one really loves me.
• I’m painfully shy.
• I will never be as successful in life as Michael Jones.

In addition to learning to believe certain things during our early years, there are certain situations that make most people feel inferior or lacking in self-esteem.

Some examples are:

• Being criticized
• Not being loved
• Being rejected
• Experiencing failure

What Low Self-Esteem Feels Like

In situations like these above, it is not uncommon to feel emotions such as:

• Sadness
• Inferiority
• Anger
• Jealousy
• Rejection

Cognitive Therapy

Cognitive therapy is one of the most successful methods for helping people feel better about themselves. Cognitive therapists help depressed and anxious people feel better by identifying how faulty ways of thinking are making them feel bad. They believe that faulty thoughts cause us to feel bad, which makes us feel bad about ourselves.

Cognitive therapists call these faulty ways of thinking “twisted thinking.” Cognitive therapy is a process where the client analyzes his or her thoughts and beliefs, and learns to substitute more healthy ways of thinking and believing. These therapists help their clients feel better in four steps: First, identify the upsetting events that cause bad feelings; second, record your thoughts about the event; third, identify the distortions in your thinking process; and fourth, substitute rational responses. When the client successfully completes these four steps, the client usually feels better about him- or herself.

Thinking the right kinds of thoughts is one way to feel good about yourself. Now let’s talk about a second way to increase your self-esteem: by taking a look at your life environment and seeing whether it supports you feeling good about yourself. You may find that some nourishing elements need to be replenished. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Do you have people in your life who:

1. Treat you with love and respect?
2. Encourage you to do and be anything you want?
3. Help you find out what you want to do, and how to do it?
4. Encourage you to explore all of your talents and interests?
5. Are thrilled when you succeed?
6. Listen to you when you need to complain?
7. Help you bounce back from failure without making you feel bad?

Take a moment to think about each of the items on this list. Note where your environment is providing adequately for you, and where it is lacking. This can give you clues to how to build your own self-esteem.

Strategies for Esteem Building

1. Pay attention to how you are feeling from moment to moment. Tune in to what your five
senses are experiencing. Take it down to the most basic level of “I feel warm right now,”
“I feel light-headed,” “I feel a tightness in my stomach.”

2. Revisit your interests and goals. Make a list of things you’d like to do and learn. Today,
take one step toward learning more.

3. Spend less time with critical people and more time with those who appreciate you.

4. Spend some time with yourself at the end of each day. Review what happened and how
you were feeling. Write about it in a private journal.

5. If you are feeling bad about yourself, consider finding a therapist to help you get your life
on a positive track.

How to Recognize Addiction and What to Do about It

Addiction to alcohol and other drugs is a chronic disease. It is progressive, continuous, and long-term. Alcohol or drug abuse means that a person has control over whether he or she drinks or uses. Alcohol or drug dependence means that a person has lost all control over his or her drinking or using behavior.

Addictive Behavior

People who suffer from addictive diseases engage in compulsive behavior and gradually lose control of their lives. They continue to drink or use drugs, even when they know it will lead to negative consequences. They tend to have low self-esteem and almost inevitably suffer from anxiety and depression.

If someone in your life suffers from addictive disease, you have experienced his or her extreme behavior, ranging from depression to exhilaration. You probably have also experienced the person’s state of denial (“I can quit anytime” or “I don’t have a problem”), dishonesty, frequent disappointments, and the series of ruined relationships. These are the hallmark behaviors when a person suffers from addiction to alcohol or drugs.

Who Is Affected by Addictive Disease

Alcoholism and drug addiction affect people from all parts of society. Addictive disease affects rock stars, writers, artists, and homeless people. Victims also include stay-at-home moms, teenagers, and corporate executives. There are addicts who are students at top universities and physicians in your local hospital. They may be teachers at your neighborhood school or salespeople at the local hardware store.

Studies have shown that there is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism. About half of all alcoholics had an alcoholic parent. Men seem to be more vulnerable than women to the alcoholic traits of their parents. Women may be more affected by factors in the environment (such as financial and life circumstances) than by inherited factors.


The Physical Side of Addiction

Chronic alcohol abuse produces long-lasting damage in many areas of brain function. It damages the capacity for abstract thinking, problem solving, memory, and physical dexterity. It also impairs verbal, visual, and spatial ability. The extent of damage to brain tissue depends on the extent of heavy alcohol abuse. When the drinking stops, a certain amount of healing is possible.

Prescription Drugs

Prescription and illegal drugs with psychoactive side effects target the brain and can change a person’s mood. This causes these drugs to be potentially addicting. Some people think that if a doctor has prescribed a drug, it is not addictive. This is not true.
It is important to tell your doctor if you:

• Are an alcoholic (using or in recovery)
• Have ever been addicted to any drug
• Have taken more than the prescribed dose of a prescribed drug
• Have taken a prescribed drug for a long time
• Take a prescribed drug with alcohol

Addictive disease is often progressive and can be fatal. Thankfully, with proper treatment, recovery is possible.

Treatment

The first phase of treatment of addictive disease focuses on the physical effects of alcohol or drug use. This phase can include detoxification or treating life-threatening disorders such as liver failure.

Since addictive disease is primarily a brain disease that results in behavioral symptoms, the main treatment is psychosocial therapy. Treatment usually focuses on the irrational feelings and distorted thinking that accompany chronic alcohol or drug abuse.
Alcoholism and drug addiction are chronic diseases that require a lifetime recovery plan. Most successful treatment plans include a focus on the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and involve ongoing, long-term participation in self-help groups. Patients who have been hospitalized for treatment may continue group and individual psychotherapy after they leave the hospital, in addition to attending 12-Step meetings.

Treatment of the Family

Addiction affects every member of the patient’s family. As the disease progresses and the patient continues to drink or use, it causes a range of emotional, spiritual, and financial problems for almost everyone involved, including family, friends and coworkers. When the family is ready to begin the recovery process, Al-Anon and Alateen are excellent resources. A qualified family therapist who understands the process of addiction and recovery may also be consulted to work with the family.

What to Do When an Alcoholic or Addict Won’t Stop

Sometimes the alcoholic or addict is in such a strong state of denial that the best alternative is to arrange an intervention. This process involves arranging for a professional interventionist to organize a meeting of the family, friends, and employer of the patient. The interventionist helps the group prepare a confrontation that will be followed by the patient entering a treatment center. The patient’s family and friends usually write a brief statement describing how the drinking or drug use has affected them. The interventionist and the group then meet with the patient and read their statements to the patient with the guidance of the interventionist. These interventions, when managed by professionals from respected treatment organizations, often result in successful treatment of the addiction.

20 Tips for Assertive Communication

Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.

1. Choose the right time. Imagine you’re dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, “Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?” Because you haven’t scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.

2. Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.

3. Be direct. For example, “Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project.” Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.

4. Say “I,” not “we.” Instead of saying, “We need the project by Tuesday,” say, “I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday.” This gives you ownership of your request.

5. Be specific. Instead of, “Put a rush on the Microsoft project,” say, “I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe’s desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning.” We cannot expect others to follow instructions if we are not specific in what we ask for.

6. Use body language to emphasize your words. “Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning,” is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.

7. Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.

8. Stand up for yourself. Don’t allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: “I was here first,” “I’d like more coffee, please,” “Excuse me, but I have another appointment,” “Please turn down the radio,” or “This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare.”

9. Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don’t know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.

10. Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.

11. Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.

12. Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, “Thank you.”

13. Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.

14. Don’t get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person’s behavior rather than attacking the person. For example: “Please don’t talk to me that way,” rather than, “What kind of jerk are you?”

15. Use “I” statements when commenting on another’s behavior. For example: “When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it’s extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed.”

16. State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. (“I think we’d better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.”)

17. Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.

18. Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don’t leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don’t learn new skills overnight.

19. Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.

20. Don’t put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.

Dealing with the Holiday Blues

Not everyone shares in the celebration and joy associated with the holidays. Many people feel stressed and unhappy in response to the demands of shopping for gifts, spending large amounts of money, attending parties and family gatherings, and entertaining houseguests. It is not uncommon to react to these stresses with excessive drinking and eating, difficulty sleeping, and physical complaints. The holiday blues are a common result. If you experience reactions like these during the holidays, you are not alone. Let’s take a look at what causes the holiday blues and what you can do about them.

What Causes the Holiday Blues?
Fear of disappointing others. Some people fear disappointing their loved ones during the holidays. Even though they can’t afford to spend a lot of money on gifts, some people feel so obligated to come through with a fancy gift that they spend more than they can afford.
Expecting gifts to improve relationships. Giving someone a nice present won’t necessarily strengthen a friendship or romantic relationship. When your gifts don’t produce the reactions you had hoped for, you may feel let down.
Anniversary reactions. If someone important to you passed away or left you during a past holiday season, you may become depressed as the anniversary approaches.
Bad memories. For some families, the holidays are times of chaos and confusion. This is especially true in families where people have substance abuse problems or dysfunctional ways of relating to each other. If this was true in your family in past years, you may always carry memories of the disappointment and upheaval that came with the holidays. Even though things may be better now, it is difficult to forget the times when your holidays were ruined by substance abuse and family dysfunction.
It could be SAD. People who live in northern states may experience depression during the winter because of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD results from fewer hours of sunlight as the days grow shorter during the winter months.

Strategies for Dealing with the Holiday Blues

While the holiday blues are usually temporary, these ideas can help make this year’s holiday experience more pleasant and less stressful.

Be realistic.
Don’t expect the holiday season to solve all past problems. The forced cheerfulness of the holiday season cannot ward off sadness or loneliness.

Drink less alcohol.
Even though drinking alcohol gives you a temporary feeling of well-being, it is a depressant and never makes anything better.

Give yourself permission not to feel cheerful.
Accept how you are feeling. If you have recently experienced a loss, you can’t expect yourself to put on a happy face. Tell others how you are feeling and what you need.

Have a spending limit and stick to it.
Look for holiday activities that are free, such as driving around to look at holiday decorations. Go window-shopping without purchasing anything. Look for ways to show people you care without spending a lot.

Be honest.
Express your feelings to those around you in a constructive, honest, and open way. If you need to confront someone with a problem, begin your sentences with “I feel.”

Look for sources of support.
Learn about offerings at mental health centers, churches, and synagogues. Many of these have special support groups, workshops, and other activities designed to help people deal with the holiday blues.

Give yourself special care.
Schedule times to relax and pamper yourself. Take a warm bath or spend an evening with a good book.

Set limits and priorities.
Be realistic about what you will be able to accomplish. Prepare a To-Do list to help you arrange your priorities.

Volunteer your time.
If you are troubled because you won’t be seeing your family, volunteer to work at a hospital or food bank. Volunteering can help raise your spirits by turning your focus to people who are less fortunate than you are.

Get some exercise.
Exercise has a positive impact on depression because it boosts serotonin levels. Try to get some type of exercise at least twice each week.

After the Holidays
For some people, holiday blues continue into the new year. This is often caused by leftover feelings of disappointment during the holiday season and being physically exhausted. The blues also happen for some people because the start of a new year is a time of reflection, which can produce anxiety.

Is It More than Just the Holiday Blues?
Clinical depression is more than just feeling sad for a few weeks. The symptoms generally include changes in appetite and sleep patterns, having less interest in daily activities, difficulty concentrating, and a general feeling of hopelessness.
Clinical depression requires professional treatment. If you are concerned that a friend or relative may be suffering from more than just holiday blues, you should express your concerns. If the person expresses thoughts of worthlessness or suicide, it is important to seek the help of a qualified mental health professional.

For further information, visit these web sites:
American Psychological Association: www.apa.org
National Depressive and Manic-Depressive Association: www.ndmda.org
National Mental Health Association: www.nmha.org

Bringing excitement back to marriage

I get the opportunity to do premarital and marriage counseling quite a bit. It is often sad to see how easy it is for married couples to lose the excitement from their marriage. It seems that work, kids, church, and many other activities take up our time and leave very little room for enjoying our spouse. The video above is hopeful a good reminder about how excited we should be when we find the one God intended for us to have. I pray that each of us will take the time to cherish our loved one and help them to see how excited we are to have them.